It’s slowly dawning on me that the summer is nearly over, as e-mails from professors begin to crowd my inbox and book lists and homework assignments are already beginning to stack up. I feel strangely ambivalent about it, at this point. On the one hand, I’m looking forward to sinking into the work of school again. I’ve really taken the summer off: haven’t been reading very much, haven’t been posting here, haven’t been doing much of anything birth related besides working. It’ll be nice to have a renewed sense of purpose again: nice to have homework to do, things to learn, assignments to turn in. And yet, at the same time, I’m dreading it! If I thought last semester was hard, this one is going to be ridiculous. And permeating all of this as well is a strange sense of unreality. This is the semester I’m going to actually, finally learn how to catch babies! NO WAY! I’ve been working towards this for five years, looking forward to it, dreaming about it, pining after it…it’s been a goal that has been so far out on the horizon for so long that I really can’t believe it’s actually going to happen. Somewhere along the way, on some level, I forgot that the heart of midwifery is actually birth. I’ve gotten so caught up in primary care and well woman gynecology and prenatal visits….but no, wait, this is actually about birth? Wow! There really will come a point where, yes, I will actually catch a baby?? NO WAY! To be honest, it scares the living bejesus out of me. I don’t feel like I’m ready. I certainly don’t know enough. They’re going to let someone like me catch a baby??? You’ve got to be kidding me! It makes me cold. And really excited at the same time. And also disbelieving. I don’t think it’s actually going to happen. I don’t think I’ll believe it until I actually have a brand new squalling baby in my hands, which will never happen, obviously.
So, uh, yeah…that’s kind of where I’m at right now. Not sure if this makes any sense at all. But this is the semester, supposedly. We’ll just have to wait and see.